Marriage counseling
by chocmanga
Summary: Phoebe and Mike need some marital advice from the Bings, mondler of course . . . R&R please
1. Chapter 1

Marriage Counseling

(I don't own these characters)

Phoebe and Mike need some marriage advice from the Bings . . . R&R pretty please

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, everyone's there watching TV except Phoebe

Joey: you know if House is such a good doctor guy why can't he fix his leg!

Chandler: remember when I said you could come over and watch house with us?

Joey: yea

Chandler: and what was my one rule?

Joey: 'don't make fun of what is the greatest show ever created' (the phone rings & Chandler glares him) hey don't look at me! I'm not ringing you right now

Monica: hello . . . oh hey Phoebe

Chandler: hang up, she's wrecking House!

Monica: (on the phone) slow down sweetie . . . well yea he's here . . . oh Phoebe I don't think he'll want to . . . . hello? . . . she hung up on me!

Rachel: what's wrong with her now? Did a squirrel die or something

Chandler: well if it did I bet House could figure out why

Monica: oh my god Chandler we get it you're in love with House but Phoebe needs us

Ross: what's up?

Monica: I don't know but it sounded like she was crying and she said she wanted Chandler and I over there now

Chandler: I sent everyone an email telling them I was not to be disturbed tonight . . . it's House night!

Ross: well Phoebe doesn't trust computers so I'm thinking she didn't get it, but I did and also your link to that porno site . . . nice man

Monica: I'm going to ignore that for the minute, listen sweetie House will be on again but Phoebe needs us for something

Chandler: its probably something like an orgy with her and Mike, I've seen the way he looks at me

Rachel: look we'll record the rest of House for you just go Phoebe needs you

Ross: wow Rach that's so thoughtful of you

Monica: no its not she just want's the gossip of what's wrong with Phoebe!

Rachel: it doesn't matter what I want . . . its about Phoebe so get going you two

Chandler: (sigh) fine but make sure it records & don't tell me what the disease is, I like to challenge myself each week and try to figure it out

Monica: and then what do you do

Chandler: google the symptoms . . . stop judging me Phoebe needs us!

Rachel: hey Mon when you find out text me the scandal ASAP

Ross: and I was this close to thinking you were being sincere about caring about Phoebe

Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Chandler knocks at the door & Phoebe opens it

Chandler: somebody order room service

Monica: Phoebe are you ok, have you been crying?

Phoebe: it's me and Mike, we're going through some stuff and it got out of hand and I thought to myself who's a happily married couple who can help us out of this mess but then I realized all the married couples I know hate each other or are already divorced so I called you guys

Chandler: how touching

Monica: what's wrong?

Mike: well money's tight right now and Phoebe is basically giving me an ultimatum

Phoebe: he could earn really good money again if he went back to being a lawyer

Mike: yes and go back to a job I hated!

Monica: guys slow down, start from the beginning

Phoebe: Mike's piano bar is gone down the gutter and I don't earn too much money in my job so I think Mike should go back to law and provide for his wife!

Mike: or you could respect my choice of my career and understand how much I hated being a lawyer . . . you know why don't you quit you're job and get one that pays more

Phoebe: no I like my job

Mike: I like mine!

Phoebe: but I REALLY like mine!

Chandler: (to Monica) they're not even paying attention to us and I'm missing House for this!

Phoebe: guys shouldn't a husband do the right thing and provide for his family aka me!

Chandler: oh I don't think we should get involved in your marital issues we have enough of our own

Monica: what does that mean!

Chandler: I mean we have no marital issues what so ever and would love to get involved in your fight

Phoebe: Chandler you know exactly about this, you hated your job and did it, you even did it when they moved you to Tulsa, and why . . . to provide for Monica

Chandler: yea but that was different

Phoebe: how!

Monica: he was too much of a coward to quit

Chandler: hey!

Monica: (huggin him) sorry sweetie but we both know its true

Chandler: still its not like I want to hear it though

Mike: oh look you sorted out your fight now can we please get back to ours!

Chandler: Phoebe the truth is Monica never forced me to work in a job I hated to 'provide' for her

Phoebe: don't lie to me, Monica controls everything in your life

Chandler: to you guys she's a controlling megalomaniac

Monica: hey!

Chandler: you know its true! . . . But in our marriage she lets her guard down with me and behind closed doors she lets me take the reigns sometimes

Monica: reputation as a hard-ass just gone out the window, thank you very much!

(flashback, sometime in season eight)

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Chandler enters, everyones there

Chandler: hey (see's Rachel's baby bump) hey Rach getting big now

Rachel: you never say that to a pregnant lady!

Chandler: fine sorry, how's being pregnant?

Rachel: uncomfortable, boring, hot and frequently needing to pee . . . how was work?

Chandler: uncomfortable, boring, hot and frequently needing to pee (he goes into the bedroom & sits down on the bed, Monica enters)

Monica: you ok?

Chandler: fine

Monica: sweetie you're incredibly easy to read, something's up?

Chandler: you know those days where you just hate your job?

Monica: No not really

Chandler: thanks for being so understanding

Monica: (hugging him) I'm kidding what's wrong?

Chandler: I mean don't get me wrong I love coming home and being with you but it would be nice not to be bored all day in work and counting down the minutes till I come home to you . . . that came out wrong, I don't hate coming home to you . . . I love you

Monica: (sarcastic) wow heartfelt . . . sweetie you hate your job so why don't you just quit and get a job you love like me, one where you're not thinking about coming home to me

Chandler: I can't quit, I know you hate hearing this but I earn more money than you and we need said money

Monica: so what if we'd have have less, we'll manage, anything to save me from listening to you go on and on about how much you hate your job . . . that and knowing you're happy

Chandler: (sarcastic) and you say I'm heartfelt

Monica: honey come on I don't mind working extra to make ends meet, we have a good amount in our savings, it could work all I want is for you to be happy (she kisses him)

Chandler: I can't start a new job, I don't even know what I would want to be

Monica: well you know you don't want to be a statistical guy and date reconfirgurationer thing . . . is that the right title of your job?

Chandler: not exactly but you're getting closer (he hugs her) Mon it means so much that you would be willing to let me quit and find something that I'm passionate about but I'm too old and lazy

Monica: all right but the next time you come home and depressed and pitiful just remember my offer (they kiss) oh and FYI you can't quit your job to become a house husband

Chandler: like I would want to laze around the house all day and let you answer my every beck and call

Monica: hmm then why do you do that at the weekends

Chandler: because I know how much you like answering my every beck and call (they kiss)

(end flashback)

Monica: you see you guys I was willing to forgo some luxuries so Chandler could find a job he genuinely liked

Mike: see Phoebe Monica was willing to be supportive!

Phoebe: hey I don't mind forgoing luxuries but I don't want to 'forgo' my house! And besides Monica you didn't put your foot down when Chandler was shipped off to Tulsa

Monica: Phoebe I always will regret not going with him, it was selfish of me not to

Chandler: (holds Monica's hand) sweetie I was never angry at you for that (Monica stares him) ok sometimes I was but I don't hold it against you now

Mike: besides if I went back to work you'd never see me Phoebe, I'd be too busy

Phoebe: Chandler was in Tulsa and they made that work!

Chandler: not exactly, I mean you guys don't know this but Tulsa put a lot of strain on our marriage, sometimes even the 'I haven't seen you in a week' sex couldn't fix things . . .

hmmmmmmmmmmm is it any good? should I continue it . . . probably will but reviews would help me decide, it'll probably be about 3 chapters long each with it's own flashback


	2. Chapter 2

Marriage counseling (Chapter 2)

(I don't own these characters)

Scene: Phoebe & Mike's~ Phoebe, Mike, Monica & Chandler are there

Phoebe: please if you guys were going through marital strife Monica would have told me, I am her best friend you know

Monica: (lying) well while that is true sweetie we did have . . . what did you call it?

Mike: marital strife, Keep up Bing or leave!

Chandler: whoa don't talk to Monica like that

Phoebe: yea as her best friend I'm the only one who can talk to her like that!

(flashback)

Scene: Monica & Chandler's everyone's there & Chandler enters

Chandler: goodbye Tulsa, hello New York

Joey: buddy! (he runs up, hugs him & almost knocks him to the ground)

Chandler: miss me much Joe?

Joey: only a little bit

Monica: please Joey you were like a whining puppy last night 'where's Chandler' 'why can't he be here right now' 'you're no fun I miss Chandler'

Joey: well you are no fun!

Monica: hey Joey will you let go of him so I can say hello to my husband?

Joey: do I have to?

Ross: anyone want the last pizza slice? (Joey lets go of Chandler & runs over)

Monica: I think I could forgo the last pizza slice to hug you

Chandler: (sarcastic) really because I couldn't

Monica: I haven't seen you in like two weeks so my perception of what is or isn't sarcastic is a bit off

Chandler: come here (they kiss & hug) I missed you

Monica: (hugging) me too, what took you so long? I thought your flight was due in like two hours ago

Chandler: I left Tulsa kind of late, Wendy needed me for some stuff

Monica: Wendy?

Chandler: she's just a colleague, I was at her place last night that's why I didn't call you

Monica: you were at her 'place'!

Chandler: just doing work, calm down!

Monica: that's difficult when your husband is hanging out at another woman's house! How do I know you didn't stay there all night doing 'work'!

Chandler: you don't know you have to trust me!

Rachel: guys would you just kiss and make-up already we're trying to watch TV

Monica: I better unpack your stuff, don't want it sitting in there all weekend which would happen if I left it up to you

Chandler: did it ever occur to you that a suitcase may create a vacuum which keeps the clothes fresh and maybe that's why I don't unpack things (Monica storms into the bedroom) was she in a bad mood before I came home?

Phoebe: just her usual depressed self, mopping around waiting for her man to get home, gosh kill me if I ever get like that (her phone rings) oh Mike's calling!

Scene: Joey's apartment, Chandler & Joey are there

Joey: I miss this just hanging out, wanna go out, you could be my wingman

Chandler: remember when I wasn't married and we tried that and it never worked because to be a wingman you have to have some charm when it comes to the ladies

Joey: oh yeah

Chandler: besides Monica's still pissed over me spending time with Wendy

Joey: the Miss. Oklahoma winner?

Chandler: runner up

Joey: gosh what's Monica's problem, I mean if she won the pageant then I could maybe see where Mon's coming from but a runner up is no threat

(Monica enters)

Monica: hey Joey do you have any milk, we're out of it

Joey: check the fridge

Monica: Joey do you have any milk that's not expired

Joey: Monica are you so stuck up you won't drink my milk

Monica: no I'm just so not in the mood to get sick (she storms out)

Chandler: hm I better go diffuse this situation (he leaves)

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Monica's there on the phone & Chandler enters

Monica: (on the phone) ok I'll see you tomorrow then

Chandler: who was that?

Monica: Jeffry the maitre di

Chandler: oh really, does he call here all the time when I'm away in another state earning money to keep you!

Monica: hey well unlike you I have never been to his house!

Chandler: we were working! Doing calculations is not the most seductive of environments

Monica: oh please that's how it starts and then doing work turns into doing her!

Chandler: I can't believe this, you have to trust me

Monica: how can I when you're at other women's houses

Chandler: ok one woman, one house!

Monica: but not one time?

Chandler: well there's a lot of work to be done, the Tulsa office is a mess

Monica: I can't believe this, were you ever planning on telling me?

Chandler: there's nothing to tell

Monica: did she invite you back to her house or was the office sex getting too boring!

Chandler: this isn't fair, I've done nothing wrong

Monica: how do I know that! How many times have you been at her house

Chandler: like three, four times but Monica I love you and you should respect me enough to believe me, nothing ever happened or will happen

Monica: is she married?

Chandler: her and her husband are going through a separation

Monica: oh lovely you're her rebound sex! Must make you feel special to know some pathetic woman is using you

Chandler: you know I'm used of it ever since I slept with this super pathetic, drunk woman in London

Monica: if I recall correctly I was merely tipsy until you practically funneled the drink into me and took advantage of me, if anyone was being pathetic it was you!

Chandler: you know what I don't deserve this, I have been nothing but faithful to you, hell I even took another job in another state for you!

Monica: I never asked you to take that job, I think if you hate it so much and apparently love me so much you should quit

Chandler: yes Monica I'll quit my job and we'll become bankrupt, excellent idea

Monica: I hate your job! I hate Tulsa and what its doing to us!

Chandler: nice way of thanking me for providing for you

Monica: a husband is supposed to provide for his wife by being with her, not being in some other woman's house in another state doing God knows what!

Chandler: I just want to go to bed I've had a long day

Monica: aww poor you all that sex tiring you out!

Chandler: I'm going to bed! (he enters the bedroom & shuts the door)

Monica: what about me!

Chandler: (opens the door) there's a perfectly good bedroom over there for delusional spouses! (shuts the door)

Scene: the next morning, Monica & Chandler's, everyones there having breakfast

Rachel: so have you two reacquainted enough before Chandler leaves for Tulsa again tonight?

Monica: (angry) yes!

Rachel: (sarcastic) wow sounds like you had a special night

Joey: are you guys still fighting over that girl?

Chandler: we're fine Joe just drop it

Ross: what girl?

Monica: look you guys we're fine, sometimes its ok for you guys not to be involved in every aspect of our marriage

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Joey, Chandler & Monica are there, Chandler's getting ready to leave

Chandler: right ya'll I guess I'll be off for another week

Joey: I'm going to miss you man, I don't know how can I survive another week without you?

Monica: (angry) I'll think I'll manage

Chandler: right well bye JOEY! (he leaves)

(end flashback)

Scene: Mike & Phoebe's

Phoebe: I had no idea you guys went through all that but then you are two weak individuals

Mike: see Phoebe look what they went through

Phoebe: they're still together aren't they and besides we're better than them

Chandler: you're really proving that tonight aren't you

Phoebe: so what happened, you guys divorce?

Monica: no Phoebe!

(flashback)

Scene: path outside their apartment, Chandler's getting into a taxi

Monica: Chandler wait!

Chandler: Mon I'm late for my flight so spare me another shouting match

Monica: I'm sorry, I do trust you! I don't want you to go to Tulsa hating me

Chandler: I don't hate you

Monica: fine loathing me

Chandler: (sarcastic) thank you . . . all I want is for you to trust me, trust how much I love you

Monica: I do, its just not easy with you being so far away

Chandler: (hugging her) I know (they kiss) but hey only another ten and a half months of this before they relocate me back here

Monica: (crying) can we survive that long?

Chandler: I think so, besides we can't divorce because wouldn't that count as a loss, and you never lose

Monica: I guess you're right . . . I'm sorry, I love you so much (they kiss)

(end flashback)

Scene: Phoebe's apartment

Phoebe: so it all ended fine, Mike you're going back to law!

Monica: no Phoebe we barely survived it, Chandler quitting his job last Christmas came just in time before we imploded

Chandler: if you guys don't mutually agree to this you can't force him to do something he'll hold against you for the rest of your life . . . or at least until he divorces you

Phoebe: well then great I'll stand by Mike until his piano bar goes bust and then I can stand by him when we're on the street and are homeless!

Monica: Phoebe you won't go homeless, we did ok when things were tight when Chandler was out of work

Phoebe: how can I stand by Mike when he refuses to provide for me

Monica: I stood by Chandler!

Phoebe: where did that get you!

Monica: (point to her wedding ring) last time I checked still married!

Hey hey I think just one more chapter to go, hope you're enjoying, thanks for the reviews & keep em' coming :)


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